Experts are forced to intervene on Sunday night’s Married At First Sight when a husband launches a nasty public spray at his wife and mocks her in front of the entire group before making a shock decision that’s more confusing than his haircut.
It’s the first commitment ceremony of the season. You know the drill. Each couple sits on a couch in front of the experts as all their toxic behaviour from the past week is dredged up in order to stoke an argument for our viewing pleasuring.
Each person in the couple then has to write “stay” or “leave” on a flash card and hold it up. If one person writes “leave” but the other writes “stay”, the person who wants to escape is instead held captive in the marriage against their will for another week and then we cheer and yell, “Ya trapped!”
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The first person to get trapped tonight is one half of the elderly couple. It has honestly been a week from hell for Russell. Beth stole his side of the bed and now he insists on sleeping on the couch. He’s also fed up with all those stupid fruits and vegetables she eats.
He decides to leave but Beth chooses to stay. Ya trapped! Enjoy your salad, Russel.
Meanwhile, producers are still trying their hardest to foreshadow a pending affair between Cam and Coco.
“I don’t know whether to stay and see if it improves with Sam … or stay and get to know Coco. It’s definitely a tough decision,” Cam says.
Coco feels the same.
“Snack attack! I’ll hit that vending machine,” she pitches another rock solid catchphrase.
Cam’s wife Sam is exhausted with her crumbling marriage and decides she wants out. It’s never gonna work — and Cam agrees. But if he leaves, he won’t be around for Coco to … hit his … vending machine?
“For me, I don’t think it’s enough time,” he informs his wife in front of the experts. “I wanna at least show you who I am. And I wanna get to know you (*cough* Coco). If it’s not there, it’s not there. But at least we know who we are as people.”
Hey Sam, ya trapped! We cut immediately to Coco and she’s dreaming about what snack she’s gonna buy from the vendo.
Next up is Jake and The Sasshole.
“I have a lot of questions for the experts,” The Sasshole snips. “Especially about what I asked for and what I received.”
Basically, The Sasshole’s a total Karen who has lost her receipt and is now demanding to speak to the manager.
Jake spills to the experts about how The Sasshole has been a big meanie all week — insulting and criticising him, calling him boring and saying he “sucks the life” out of her.
It’s clear the experts are appalled at the alleged behaviour, so The Sasshole steps in to clear things up by accusing her husband yet again of making her feel like sex-on-a-stick or a chip-on-a-stick or whatever. Her bad attitude is marring the joyous reputation of all stick-based novelty products.
“What I find with Jake is he’s trying to be more than what he is to impress me,” she informs us. “He told me he was a Capricorn, it’s one of the first conversations we had. And I said, ‘Oh, OK, you’re into astrology?’ And he said, ‘No, I thought you might be’.”
She leaves a long pause, waiting for us to react but we don’t understand what any of this means.
John Aiken decides it’s time to sass The Sasshole.
“Well I’ll tell you where I’m at. I’ve listened to this. I’ve heard this. And I’m exhausted,” he declares, trying very hard to create a dramatic moment that can be used in the promo.
“There are two people on the couch in front of me, and only one of them is warm and empathetic.”
Rebecca smiles to herself, satisfied that someone is finally standing up for her.
“Rebecca, it’s not you,” John snaps.
“Rebecca, your standards are so unrelenting that no man — not Jake, not anybody — is gonna measure up to that,” John continues.
Again, she smiles — thinking John just paid her a beautiful compliment.
But he swiftly slaps her down again. “I can tell you, that’s not gonna work in a relationship.”
They both choose to stay even though we all know Jake will never get to play with her sex sticks.
Speaking of which, Alana has something to share about her relationship with Jason.
“The sex is good,” she shares. “When we have sex, Jason will always make me c*m as well. It’s actually a huge deal for me.”
Two people who won’t be achieving this milestone are Coco and Sam. We’re forced to rehash all the details we already know and Coco rattles off the laundry list of insults that have been hurled her way.
“I’ve been told I’m not cool, I’m not funny, my one-liners are too corny, I’m too loud, my body’s not attractive to him. It’s just constant put-downs,” she tells the experts as Sam makes faces and mumbles under his breath.
“Oh, wow. Everyday? Everyday, I’m putting you down? Wow. Because you say the most ridiculous, corny one-liners that would make anyone cringe. (That means) I’m putting you down? Seriously,” he spits at her.
“It’s a load of absolute rubbish. I find her to be too much, she’s too full on. I can’t remember one time I’ve put her down or been nasty.”
The experts can’t believe the spray they’re witnessing and intervene.
“I’m sorry, I’ve gotta jump in here. Do you have an awareness of how your body language comes across?” Mel Schilling asks.
Sam fires up more. “Well I feel like I’m being attacked here!”
The rest of the contestants gasp and then Bryce starts heckling from the other side of the room. “Sam, no offence but, just from our point of view here, you sound like a d**khead.”
Sam doubles down — nay, TRIPLES down — and declares he has never once uttered a negative word about his wife.
Schilling throws him of balance with one big question. “Are you attracted to her?”
Sam pauses and huffs. “Yes.”
The statement goes against everything he has said about Coco and her body. She wants out and raises her decision card, hoping to wrap this up — even if it means never getting to buy snacks at Cam’s vending machine.
But then Sam reveals his own card. The room gasps. He’s choosing to stay.
We regret to inform you, Coco, but ya trapped!
Sam’s still muttering to himself and furiously walks out of the warehouse.
“I can’t speak. This is out of control. I’ve always been kind and nice to Coco,” he fumes.
To quote Linda Reynolds, he’s a lying cow.
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