Oh Home and Away, sometimes you disappoint me so.
After weeks of promos and going hard on Lewis’ killing spree, he doesn’t kill Ari.
Ari also appears to make a full recovery.
I’m not a doctor but I have watched A LOT of Grey’s Anatomy and if Ari’s scans showed no signs of improvement — in my unmedically-trained opinion — I find it unlikely that he would wake up without any kind of “impairment,” as Budget McDreamy put it.
And this isn’t because I want Ari to die, but more there wasn’t enough of a struggle or a fight for life.
I’m a bit shocked at how quickly it all happened.
But alas, we don’t watch the show for its accuracy.
So back to the start and things pick up with Lewis preparing the syringe filled with a life ending substance and is putting it into Ari’s drip when Anna walks in and nearly catches him.
Lewis hides it – not surreptitiously – behind his back.
Anna doesn’t think it’s suss and actually thanks Lewis for taking such good care of Ari.
“I’m really glad you’re looking out for him,” Anna says.
Meanwhile Budget McDreamy is “worried about making the wrong call” but he sucks it up and meets with the Paratas and Anna — who is suddenly in love with Ari now that he could die.
The doc gets a quick inspirational pep talk from Tori.
“It’s the job hun,” Tori says. What a way with words.
Budget McDreamy is wearing a tie for the formal occasion of telling a family that the swelling in Ari’s brain hasn’t gone down but they’re going to bring him out of the coma to see if he can breathe on his own or wake up.
Nikau gives a rousing speech at his uncle’s bedside and just when they are growing impatient, Ari begins to cough and splutter.
He’s breathing on his own and is somewhat responsive. He playfully slaps Tane in the face and cracks a joke which means he’s completely healed.
Lewis is devastated.
I’m not sure if it’s because Ari isn’t dead or because hindsight is a cruel mistress and he regrets that he would have killed Ari if he wasn’t caught.
Tane tells Mac about the good news.
She breaks down in tears and Tane comforts her.
Mac has just been on a mums and bubs forum and if everyone casts their mind back to last year, Jasmine was basically living an alternative life through a forum pretending Gracie was her baby.
“There’s something that I need to tell Ari but I don’t want to,” Mac says to Tane.
Tane cracks a joke about her being pregnant.
I’ve never seen such a disappointed face.
Tane is way out of his depth and calls in reinforcements in Dean and Ziggy, who already know.
The boys are “just trying to help” but in typical man fashion they want Mac to come to a decision and she just needs someone to hear her out until she figures it out for herself.
Luckily Zig kicks the guys out.
Tane needs to “clear his head” and Dean is troubled because Mac is keeping it from Ari.
He goes back to see Mac and tells her that Ari dreamed of being a father and he and Mia had several miscarriages and she eventually gave birth to a son who died 10 days later.
Ari struggled to deal with the pain and his life spiralled out of control and he ended up in prison.
Look, I know Tane is just trying to tell his brother’s point of view since he just had blunt trauma to the head, but Tane has absolutely no right to advise Mac what to do with her body.
“I just thought she needed to know,” Tane says.
Anyway, it gets Dean thinking about life BC (before children) even though he’s only known about his son for a few weeks and he and Amber regale the good times.
“We’d make a good couple,” Dean says. “I’m in this 100 per cent.”
From my extensive TV watching experience, particularly reality, don’t trust anyone that says “100 per cent”.
Dean leans in to kiss Amber but she rejects him and walks off.
But just moments later Dean gives it another go and the mood changes.
“It’s you, I want to be with you,” Deans says to Amber.
I guess it’s a nice sentiment but am I really supposed to believe that Dean – who was in a long-term relationship with Ziggy and loved her so much he got her some hideous necklace and she got a heinous River Boys tramp stamp — is over it and in love with a woman he hasn’t thought about in five years?
They get it on anyway.
Jai finds them in bed together in the morning and is obviously very excited and yells out “mum and dad sleep in the same bed now” in front of Willow.
Willow freaks out but Dean isn’t worried because he’s “not a complete idiot”. Such high self-praise from old mate.
Willow thinks living together as co-parents is “perfect” but clearly, she doesn’t have the gift of foresight because it was going to go downhill when one of them started seeing someone.
Dean acts weird after that.
But he resolves his issues with Amber and they’re once again going to live as one big happy family.
Over at Salt Ryder tells aunty Roo that Chloe kissed him.
Roo takes a seat and orders a Rosé to get the full story… instead of going to the gym.
Meanwhile Chloe tells Bella they she “mooshed faces” with Ryder.
I must have missed the part when they became friends but maybe being trapped in a shipping contained does that to people.
Bella and Nikau are hatching another plan to get Chloe and Ryder together when Willow — who Bella hates for ruining Colby’s life — walks into the diner and makes Nik leave before he’s finished his chocky milkshake. Such an injustice.
Back at Salt Ryder takes Chloe to the cool room where a lot of mental breakdowns and revelations have taken place.
He asks Chloe straight up if she likes him. She says yes and he leans in to kiss her.
They pretend they still hate each other to keep up appearances.
Bella is also ready to talk to Willow but thankfully we are spared from hearing a soppy conversation about ‘trust, betrayal and honour’ — words that are thrown around far too often in this show.
Then there’s Justin and Leah who are waiting to hear back about the settlement of their new house.
Leah calls in a favour from Alf to distract Justin because he’s driving her insane.
The men both need a hobby. Alf suggests fishing because fishing fixes all of life’s problems.
Next thing Justin is in a wetsuit holding his surfboard with a really apprehensive facial expression.
It’s supposed to be this grand moment of rebirth after the trials and tribulations of his scare with death but I think that Justin is such a pathetic drip that it’s lost on me.
Justin proclaims how great he feels and how “great life has turned out”.
But finally, some bad news tonight. The real estate agent who Justin and Leah supposedly bought the house off has never heard of them. No surprises there.
And they can’t get a hold of Susie either.
Irene will have a few strong words to say about that.